Thursday, June 16

Good riddance

I tried to be positive. After the last post. Believe me i did. I tried not to give a shit. I tried to move on and never look back. But unfortunately the ghost from the past , the not so far away past has returned. It took me one text to turn my head and surrender. I still love him. I do and blame me for this. Even I blame myself for being scared to walk away. I blame me for having doubt, for thinking we still have chance. We don't.

People said never promised when you are happy and never reply when you are angry. Indeed i am now, I am angry, upset, heartbroken and all the worst feeling you could ever think of. I keep holding on for so long even when he treated my like a piece of shit. I still hold on. Yes, it is me. i blame myself too, I am too stupid to walkaway even i know it is the right thing to do. Indeed i knew. But I still stay because I thought maybe one day, just maybe you will look at me and realize i have feelings too. I love you I do but at this moment I am not sure. I just need to walk away. 

You... yes you. You obviously don't need me anymore. That text explained everything. I'm hurt. So hurt. Again and again you keep hurting me and i keep telling myself it will be ok. Yet, it was never ok. I am at my worst. I feel worst. I hate myself now and i  hate what i have become. You of all people manage to make me feel this worst. Do you finally feel at ease? Have you find your peace? do you think by treating people like shit you will feel better? What have i done to you that makes you think i deserve such treatment? If you can't love me at least treat me like a woman. 

I truly hope one day you will feel what i felt now and when the time come you will remember me. I hope we never cross path. Thank you for everything, for the lesson and memories. I will walk away now and i dont think think i will turn back now. I'm sure you will be glad i did what i should have done months ago. 

I hope i find peace... without you. 

Friday, April 1

Cause I have feelings too

Have you been in a relationship that is oh so sweet and dreamy? Have you? You feel like you were floating up in the air because how he made you feel. I'm sure you have. That feeling. It's been more than 10 years somebody able to make me feel that way. Then he came along, swept me off my feet. He don't do much. He just do one thing. He showed me he cared. Well with lots of sense of humor of course. He was not that good looking but he's not that ugly too. He have this sweet face that when you look, you feel... happy. I was so happy, content and alive.

I made one mistake. A huge one. I gave my heart to him. I let my guard down and gave my heart to him when I know i shouldn't have. So i discovered one lies, heartbreaking shattering lie. He's married. Yes, he is. He is married. I felt...betrayed. Heartbroken, i fall into pieces. I tried not to be alone most of the time. I tried to keep my mind occupied but he's there and he still is.

I notice the changes. We don't talk anymore, he give excuses that he was busy with work. I am working but no one is so busy that they don't have time at all. He was not busy but he just don't have the time for me. We don't communicate. There's no more phone call no more good night messages. All the things he used to do. There's none. If you were in my place wouldn't you want to know? I digged and digged. I know the truth is right in front of me. I am obviously never his priorities. I am just a sidechick. The one that he put on the side and play with whenever he wants to, I keep asking myself why am I being so stupid that I don't see this coming? Why do I have to give my heart to someone that doesn't deserve me? I wish one day he read this and realized how he broke me. How he make me suffer. And I hope he know how to actually appreciate someone that is always there for him.

I am writing this because I want to remember if ever one day i find someone let this be a lesson. If I don't let this be a reminder to someone else. Keep your guard up all the time. Do not give your heart to anyone. Keep it safely with you. Give a piece but not all. If it broke, it will not hurt this bad. I am hurt. I still am. But I know eventually this would go away. The scars will always there but at least it won't be as painful.

Sunday, March 6

Not a review - Deadpool

Oh someone been quoting this Wham! Song to me over and over again. One day i just got to ask are u trying to tell me something? And he told me  and i quote 'its that last scene from deadpool. One day you'll understand' something happened and we decide we will go separate way.

Well, let's not get into details why it isn't working. Sometimes things just not working well even after 6 months. So yes. I decided today I'm gonna find out. What is it with that song and deadpool. So for the 2nd time in 35 years of my life. I went to watch movie... alone. Oh i kinda like it this time though. Not too bad. Well for anyone who never tried it. U SHUD (see how i stress that out) try. At least once. Maybe, being 35 i have accept the fact that I might going to be alone spinster haha! Harsh but true. Oh well...

Ok so i watched it. Deadpool. Nice. Very nice. Ryan Reynolds yes. Body to ehmmm... die for. Well maybe not die but just faint a little. Well maybe not faint maybe 3 days coma. Oh whatever. Well so i watched it and kinda get it. Well, i kinda understand now. Maybe too late. Maybe ours its just not quite there yet so that's why it ended just like that.

What i felt? I'd be lying if i said i don't feel anything. I'd be lying if i said i don't miss him but I'm not a fool. I decided it was a nice song. Another songs i have to put in my list since you have given me few songs. Another songs that will make my heart shudder everytime i listen to it. Well maybe shudder now but i will be ok. 6 months living with your presence it won't be too hard to let go right?

Everyone could survive heartbreak and i will too. So yes. I wish we had that Wham! Careless whisper moment but i guess it will never happened. At this point of time while I'm jotting this i still do miss you. I am. But it's ok i will be better. Things will get better. This is just a heartbroken me ranting.

So now who's gonna dance with me?

Monday, December 7

This is how the story went...

What is the worst thing than getting your heartbroken? It can be from many reasons. Main reason, you fall for someone and realize he’s not the right one. Or maybe you not the right one for him. You wanted to be one although you keep telling yourself this will never workout. You don’t share the same feeling.
Let me tell you about my story, my last relationship was in 2003. Yes, 12 years ago. It is not the greatest relationship. We have known each other since I was 11 and when we met again I thought well the feeling still there so we decided to be an item. The relationship lasted for 3 years. I decided to leave when I don’t see the point of staying. He has taken me for granted and sometimes I think he's putting up with me because I’m the only source of income he got. I was afraid. I was worried. What if I’m going to be alone forever? What if I can’t find anyone else after him? But I took the leap. I jumped. And yes, I’m a happier person. Alhamdulillah.
From that moment. I never think I need anyone. I never think it was a big deal. For me, it’s the right time for me to be independent and there’s nothing wrong to be single. So I did. But it gets to me after 12 years. I need someone. Just someone from different circle of friends to talk just someone different. And I met you.
You don’t swept me off my feet. Yes, the fact that we came from a different circle of life and the fact that I never think I’m going to be associated with you in anyway that makes it more interesting. You are from the part of the world I know exist but not part of the world I know. You have make impossible things to be possible. It’s all started from a simple HI. From nobody to somebody and to somebody I once knew maybe? I don’t like to be pushed or to talk about something I’m not comfortable with. I’m a reservereserve person although I just don’t look like one. Complicated I know. Been single way too long. I thought it will be hard to let someone in. But you make it easier.
Like I said, I don’t let people in easily but with you everything become easy. I don’t hope for anything in this relationship. Believe me when you told me you was taken I never think that we will be more than friend. But at that point, there’s a slight hurt. Not because I have feeling for you but the fact that I have known you and the fact that I am angry with myself that I can’t walkaway although I know I should have. I know now if only I have the courage to do it earlier I will not be as miserable as this. I still can’t figure out this feeling. I don’t know if I am falling for you or is it just because I have no one else that treat me the way you do. Right now you are the closest person that I turn to and the one occupying my mind. You don’t do wonder you just make sure you always there 7 days a week or at least 5 days a week.
I’m so used to have you for the past 3 months I am not sure how to do it without you after 6 months. I know I can because I used to it for the past 12 years but I’m sure it will be difficult. Yes, this is my story currently. I will not go into details now as I don’t see the need. I’m sure it’s not only me having to face the same situation and for some, they will think what’s the big deal? It’s only 3 months. For them, there are some people who’s married after knowing each other for a week. Everything is possible if god's willing. It is not the greatest story, but it is my story. So what with other people judgement? I know I should not get involve when I know he’s taken but god have a plan for me and this is in his plan.
For you, I know we destined to meet for a reason although I’m still not sure what is the reason but before everything comes to an end do know that I never blame you nor angry with you. I am happy that our path crossed. You have make me miserably happy and thank you for that. Thank you for the morning text, for the time we spent and for all the things you done. You did well and I am forever grateful. I hope you find happiness in everything you do. I hope she makes you happy so you forget the
world when you are with her. I know we might not see each other when the time come but I want you to read this and know that you will always be in my prayer. I will never hate you. Not even a tiniest bit.
This is my story thus far... my 2015 will end with this story and I will start new chapter of my life in 2016 to love myself even more.

Saturday, October 17

Minnesota....where dreams do come true errr at least for me!

So 14/8/2015 @ 2330 I was supposed to be on 13 hours MAS flight to Heathrow airport however due to break issues, our flight delayed for 2 hours. When we were ready for boarding, i thought our problems end there. Too soon to hope, just too soon. So having just an an hour window time to catch our connecting flight to Chicago I knew we unable to make it once i boarded the airport bus. Keep calm and walk straight, Ezany. The airport security was just to slow even we used express lane. Fine they need to check every damn things and yes my auntie brought along her anchovies sambal. Well, we are Malaysian and we always worried we will not have enough food. Typical yes I know. But that sambal was a life saver, so don't belittle the sambal. Thank you Mak Teh!

So we wait till our flight

Sabar Mak Teh dont sleep yet

This is not MAS. This is American Airlines. MAS really need to upgrade their video quality and also the movies
I have no qualms on the food, the experience or even the crews but MAS seriously? Your movies or series choices? I rather look outside the window. The movies so bluergh! Well, i still love flying MAS though.

So we missed our connecting, they manage to book us on another flight to Dallas instead. Everything went smoothly in Dallas. 8 hours flight from London to Dallas. I still wonder how i manage it so well. The worst is yet to come.


It is blur but it is Minnesota!
Oh how excited to see Mike's and Joel's happy faces. We forgot how long the flight was and how tired we were. I can't sleep on the plane. Next time business class maybe? haha! I wished I have the picture of both of them waiting for us at the baggage collection area but too excited to take out the camera. Oh, btw my bag was on its way to Chicago when I landed safely in Minnesota. Why?!!?
And 2 days without clothes is not funny at all. Thanks Jennifer the neighbour, I now have 2 new tshirts and pants. Fit me just nicely.

We have turkey burgers as our first dinner in Minnesota. Not in pic. But this tomato is just marvelous and on top of Mike's & Joel's roof.

So we spend our day at home since we need to get use to the changing of time zones plus the jetlag come later when we slept. They surely have beautiful garden and ah-mazing house. My room light decided to die now so till later i shall update soon but please dont hold your breath.

Meantime, enjoy Mike's & Joel's home before i upload more of Minnesota & St. Paul