Have you ever been secretly in love with someone? Like deeply
crazily in love with someone. You trying to tell that person your feeling but
you just can’t. It just… stops. You just…can’t. So you trying to find a way to
show it but you guess your way is not enough. That person just doesn’t realize
it. Or maybe he does but he just doesn’t like you the way you did. So you keep
on wondering or maybe dreaming how was it like to be an item? How was it like
to build a life together? And your mind filled with all the beautiful dreams
you created. You wish and pray that one day he will see you the way you see him
and your entire dream will finally do come true. But it is true when they said ‘you
don’t always get what you want’.
Well, I know because it has been me. There’s so much hurt
and pain I have to endure. But the heart wants what the heart want. I know he
is out of my reach and I know deep down inside me we will never meant to be but
I am just so stubborn and let myself hurt in the process. There’s a lot of
reminders, red flags, advice you name it but I just want to listen what I want
to listen which is a glimpse of hope that I might have a chance. I cried for
him but why? He don’t even know I am secretly in love with him. He was just
being nice to me because I am his friend. And yes, I know. I know all along but
I am just too stubborn to admit. 3 years to keep this feeling to myself was
just too long. It eaten me inside and god answer my prayer… the feeling slowly
went away. I know I am blessed.
Today, I’m writing this as a reminder to myself not to go
there again. Not to have the similar feeling again. And if I did in any form I should
just not go through with it. I should let it dissolve. I should just let it
disappear. It has given nothing but pain. Yes, partly is my mistake because I am
not that kind of person to easily discuss or express my feeling especially when
it comes to the heart matters. I know I may not win and I know I could not face
rejection so why try? I just hope I will never have to face the same feeling
again and if I did I hope I have the courage to say it outloud without getting
hurt. Well, one can just hope!
