Good riddance

I tried to be positive. After the last post. Believe me i did. I tried not to give a shit. I tried to move on and never look back. But unfortunately the ghost from the past , the not so far away past has returned. It took me one text to turn my head and surrender. I still love him. I do and blame me for this. Even I blame myself for being scared to walk away. I blame me for having doubt, for thinking we still have chance. We don't.

People said never promised when you are happy and never reply when you are angry. Indeed i am now, I am angry, upset, heartbroken and all the worst feeling you could ever think of. I keep holding on for so long even when he treated my like a piece of shit. I still hold on. Yes, it is me. i blame myself too, I am too stupid to walkaway even i know it is the right thing to do. Indeed i knew. But I still stay because I thought maybe one day, just maybe you will look at me and realize i have feelings too. I love you I do but at this moment I am not sure. I just need to walk away. 

You... yes you. You obviously don't need me anymore. That text explained everything. I'm hurt. So hurt. Again and again you keep hurting me and i keep telling myself it will be ok. Yet, it was never ok. I am at my worst. I feel worst. I hate myself now and i  hate what i have become. You of all people manage to make me feel this worst. Do you finally feel at ease? Have you find your peace? do you think by treating people like shit you will feel better? What have i done to you that makes you think i deserve such treatment? If you can't love me at least treat me like a woman. 

I truly hope one day you will feel what i felt now and when the time come you will remember me. I hope we never cross path. Thank you for everything, for the lesson and memories. I will walk away now and i dont think think i will turn back now. I'm sure you will be glad i did what i should have done months ago. 

I hope i find peace... without you. 

Cause I have feelings too

Have you been in a relationship that is oh so sweet and dreamy? Have you? You feel like you were floating up in the air because how he made you feel. I'm sure you have. That feeling. It's been more than 10 years somebody able to make me feel that way. Then he came along, swept me off my feet. He don't do much. He just do one thing. He showed me he cared. Well with lots of sense of humor of course. He was not that good looking but he's not that ugly too. He have this sweet face that when you look, you feel... happy. I was so happy, content and alive.

I made one mistake. A huge one. I gave my heart to him. I let my guard down and gave my heart to him when I know i shouldn't have. So i discovered one lies, heartbreaking shattering lie. He's married. Yes, he is. He is married. I felt...betrayed. Heartbroken, i fall into pieces. I tried not to be alone most of the time. I tried to keep my mind occupied but he's there and he still is.

I notice the changes. We don't talk anymore, he give excuses that he was busy with work. I am working but no one is so busy that they don't have time at all. He was not busy but he just don't have the time for me. We don't communicate. There's no more phone call no more good night messages. All the things he used to do. There's none. If you were in my place wouldn't you want to know? I digged and digged. I know the truth is right in front of me. I am obviously never his priorities. I am just a sidechick. The one that he put on the side and play with whenever he wants to, I keep asking myself why am I being so stupid that I don't see this coming? Why do I have to give my heart to someone that doesn't deserve me? I wish one day he read this and realized how he broke me. How he make me suffer. And I hope he know how to actually appreciate someone that is always there for him.

I am writing this because I want to remember if ever one day i find someone let this be a lesson. If I don't let this be a reminder to someone else. Keep your guard up all the time. Do not give your heart to anyone. Keep it safely with you. Give a piece but not all. If it broke, it will not hurt this bad. I am hurt. I still am. But I know eventually this would go away. The scars will always there but at least it won't be as painful.

Not a review - Deadpool

Oh someone been quoting this Wham! Song to me over and over again. One day i just got to ask are u trying to tell me something? And he told me  and i quote 'its that last scene from deadpool. One day you'll understand' something happened and we decide we will go separate way.

Well, let's not get into details why it isn't working. Sometimes things just not working well even after 6 months. So yes. I decided today I'm gonna find out. What is it with that song and deadpool. So for the 2nd time in 35 years of my life. I went to watch movie... alone. Oh i kinda like it this time though. Not too bad. Well for anyone who never tried it. U SHUD (see how i stress that out) try. At least once. Maybe, being 35 i have accept the fact that I might going to be alone spinster haha! Harsh but true. Oh well...

Ok so i watched it. Deadpool. Nice. Very nice. Ryan Reynolds yes. Body to ehmmm... die for. Well maybe not die but just faint a little. Well maybe not faint maybe 3 days coma. Oh whatever. Well so i watched it and kinda get it. Well, i kinda understand now. Maybe too late. Maybe ours its just not quite there yet so that's why it ended just like that.

What i felt? I'd be lying if i said i don't feel anything. I'd be lying if i said i don't miss him but I'm not a fool. I decided it was a nice song. Another songs i have to put in my list since you have given me few songs. Another songs that will make my heart shudder everytime i listen to it. Well maybe shudder now but i will be ok. 6 months living with your presence it won't be too hard to let go right?

Everyone could survive heartbreak and i will too. So yes. I wish we had that Wham! Careless whisper moment but i guess it will never happened. At this point of time while I'm jotting this i still do miss you. I am. But it's ok i will be better. Things will get better. This is just a heartbroken me ranting.

So now who's gonna dance with me?