With all due respect, i am making a confession now... i am freaking lonely. I feel I am and yes, I think I do. This is the time that, most of you will tell me see I told you so...or worst laughing your ass off. Haha! yes, I am lonely...I went to work alone, went to dinner alone even stay at home alone. Have I get tired of being alone? Honestly sometimes, I do but most of the time I don't mind. When I do feel lonely at least I know how to keep myself occupied.
As a result of being alone too much, I sometimes feel suffocated when surrounded by people. I did mentioned 'sometimes'. Don't get me wrong but we do need our own little time sometimes but i think i need it most of the time LOL. And friends, if you do ever ask me out and sometimes I said no...sometimes I really don't have the time but sometimes i really don't feel like it. Do 30 years old people get this feeling? I don't know but lately I have this lazy feeling. Lazy to go out or lazy to socialise but I force myself to do it for the sake of doing it.
When comes to life partner or getting married? I still feel half hearted. Yes, I don't have anyone and yes I am sadly single tho' most of my ex-bfs are happily married with kids. Good for them but no, I don't feel frustrated and i don't feel depressed. I feel happy for them, seriously! I feel half hearted simply because I love my freedom and simply because I have been on my own for many years and i'm used to it. Is there anyone in mind? Yes, I do but I think it is too far to grasp. I better look to the reality not fantasy and deep inside I know it just too impossible to happen.
I have been thinking and hoping far too long and the fact is I am head over heels doesn't make any sense at all. How can I be so vulnerable and I am hating myself for that. I'm trying to walk pass it, thru it, underneath it or over it and i am still trying. The fact that I could not tell the person the truth is hurting but i need to do it. Simply because I don't want to be in this way and I don't want to feel this way. The uncertain feeling. I know i can do it and I know I will have to do it eventually...Like I said I'm loving my freedom and loneliness too much.
If only i have the guts to say it outloud. If only I have the courage to look straight and tell the truth. If only I dare to know the answer. But it won't happen caused i could and never do it. So I will let it slide and try not to regret it...
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