Single...what's the big deal?

Well, let's see. I have been single for almost 7 years now. Totally unattached to anyone. I have never been single so long i have forgotten how is to be with myself after my last broke up. I admit, first few months it get lonely and sometimes i do miss my X. Sometimes i wanted to reply him and tell him i will accept him eventually but i know we will be better separated.

I'm getting used to it now. Well I do admit every now and then i do feel, i want to have someone but then again need and want are not the same things. i may want that things but i dont think i need it now. I may want it cause i saw everyone having their partner. But do i want to live my life as miserable as before?

At this age, as older as I'm getting now (yes, older) I had enough of this headache or heartache. I am happy. I am content. I dont need anyone to tell me what i can or can't do. I hate being control by emotions tho' i know being a pisces. I am emotional. But being with someone the emotional stress is different. I dont like to worried bout things that may or may not happen.

I do have feelings, and yes I have crushes now and then but it's just crush. Temporary infatuation or temporary feeling thatI dont think it will lead to anything or anywhere. I do have guy friends that is close or not so close. Married or not married. I dont know how but we have built beautiful platonic relationship that does not base on feelings. I like guys dont get me wrong but I dont think i am currently looking for one right now.

I do admint, it get lonely sometimes but i'm used to it and now i know how to occupy myself. Well, i believe there is someone for everyone. How soon or how near if it will be it will be but at this point of time in my life I feel bless and I am not currently looking for someone to fill the spot in my heart. It's still vacant but it is filled with love for everyone near and close.

Just one day, maybe one day it will happen but if it won't, what's the freaking big deal?

11 days after

New Year came. On the dot. Exactly at 12am. The date change, we shouted our Happy New Year wishes, we kissed, we hugged, we drunk, we pray, we cried. That's it. Done.

Instead of having a party, i chose to find peace at the beach. There's no noise everywhere, people are calm. Some of them stays in their own little tent. And me, I lied down on a 'pangkin' in front of the ocean under tree. Most importantly, I celebrate my new year with my best friend, Wawa. Believe me, it's been so many years ago since our last vacation.

I knew this new year, my age will be one year more. Last year have stole a year from me. I hope i becoming wiser. I hope those useless people that come into my life will be gone and never come back. I hope I could make wiser decision and most importantly finish what I have started.

It has been 11 days that I have step into 2012 and from the look of it, everything seems fall to places. Well, not actually everything but I hope it will. I maybe the same me but I would like to change it to be better me.

I may have the same friends and I may have make some new ones. I am blessed. I am truely thankful for all the wonderful people around me. And i hope this would not change even new year come and go.

I foresee the better year ahead... and i hope it will be!

Wan...This is for you

Today 20th December 2011, it has been 4 months and 10 days since wan a.k.a my grandmother passed away. We did our kenduri for her last Saturday. It still hard to believe she's gone. No more resting, laying down on her bed. We will all gather around her on her bed. Think about it, it is impressive how the bed can stand all our weight (mind you, my family size is not small) No more rhyme or her beautiful voice reciting short doa or qur'an.

God, I missed her. 

I hope she still with us. I hope I could listen to all her stories. All her life experience. All the advice or or better yet all her jokes. I dont mind to hear it even for hundred times. How I wish. I will give the world to have her back but it is impossible. 

Wan, we missed you so much but we know god loves you more. You will always be here...right here in our heart, prayers and thought. 

Ya Allah, tempatkan wan kami di kalangan kekasih-kekasihmu di syurga. Amin.

Love always....

I think I am LONELY

With all due respect, i am making a confession now... i am freaking lonely. I feel I am and yes, I think I do. This is the time that, most of you will tell me see I told you so...or worst laughing your ass off. Haha! yes, I am lonely...I went to work alone, went to dinner alone even stay at home alone. Have I get tired of being alone? Honestly sometimes, I do but most of the time I don't mind. When I do feel lonely at least I know how to keep myself occupied. 

As a result of being alone too much, I sometimes feel suffocated when surrounded by people.  I did mentioned 'sometimes'. Don't get me wrong but we do need our own little time sometimes but i think i need it most of the time LOL. And friends, if you do ever ask me out and sometimes I said no...sometimes I really don't have the time but sometimes i really don't feel like it. Do 30 years old people get this feeling? I don't know but lately I have this lazy feeling. Lazy to go out or lazy to socialise but I force myself to do it for the sake of doing it. 

When comes to life partner or getting married? I still feel half hearted. Yes, I don't have anyone and yes I am sadly single tho' most of my ex-bfs are happily married with kids. Good for them but no, I don't feel frustrated and i don't feel depressed. I feel happy for them, seriously! I feel half hearted simply because I love my freedom and simply because I have been on my own for many years and i'm used to it. Is there anyone in mind? Yes, I do but I think it is too far to grasp. I better look to the reality not fantasy and deep inside I know it just too impossible to happen. 

I have been thinking and hoping far too long and the fact is I am head over heels doesn't make any sense at all. How can I be so vulnerable and I am hating myself for that. I'm trying to walk pass it, thru it, underneath it or over it and i am still trying. The fact that I could not tell the person the truth is hurting but i need to do it. Simply because I don't want to be in this way and I don't want to feel this way. The uncertain feeling. I know i can do it and I know I will have to do it eventually...Like I said I'm loving my freedom and loneliness too much. 

If only i have the guts to say it outloud. If only I have the courage to look straight and tell the truth. If only I dare to know the answer. But it won't happen caused i could and never do it. So I will let it slide and try not to regret it...

Guess, I'm gonna stay single and alone, sadly for now hmmm....

Pretty awesome

Well well well... Let me count. It has been a year and prolly a month I stopped babbling. And believe me a lot have happened since. For instance I'm a year older and I am officially but not so proudly yet 30. Yes, 30!! Even typing the number makes me depressed. (Slap myself to reality now)
My brother have new interest which is rabbit and guess what? My dad interest is buying new rabbit and let me tell you we started with 6 rabbits and now we end up with whole lot more. I will try to post the pictures next time. And now they need to do the thinking 'where the hell they want to accomodate all those rabbit?" Perhaps buys a farm?
Oh well, my sister already have a baby. Our sweetheart and our own tomatoman Mohd. Rayyan Firdaus. Omg! He is adorable and the cutest little thing and today, my sis in law is in the ward and will be in OT tomorrow morning. She will need to do ceasarean. So we will be heading to Malacca tonite. Pity her. First child and my brother weren't there for her. Well this is what happen if you marry a sailorkan... I know she will be strong. She was strong for this 9 month and she could make it for another few days.
I can go on and on and on but typing from phone is not actuaLly easy and it strained my eyes. I know I know I could zoom but well I choose not to haha!
I'll blog somemore next time but now I want to go to the kitchen and see if my rice is ready. I'm having lunch at 6pm today hmmm...