Good riddance

I tried to be positive. After the last post. Believe me i did. I tried not to give a shit. I tried to move on and never look back. But unfortunately the ghost from the past , the not so far away past has returned. It took me one text to turn my head and surrender. I still love him. I do and blame me for this. Even I blame myself for being scared to walk away. I blame me for having doubt, for thinking we still have chance. We don't.

People said never promised when you are happy and never reply when you are angry. Indeed i am now, I am angry, upset, heartbroken and all the worst feeling you could ever think of. I keep holding on for so long even when he treated my like a piece of shit. I still hold on. Yes, it is me. i blame myself too, I am too stupid to walkaway even i know it is the right thing to do. Indeed i knew. But I still stay because I thought maybe one day, just maybe you will look at me and realize i have feelings too. I love you I do but at this moment I am not sure. I just need to walk away. 

You... yes you. You obviously don't need me anymore. That text explained everything. I'm hurt. So hurt. Again and again you keep hurting me and i keep telling myself it will be ok. Yet, it was never ok. I am at my worst. I feel worst. I hate myself now and i  hate what i have become. You of all people manage to make me feel this worst. Do you finally feel at ease? Have you find your peace? do you think by treating people like shit you will feel better? What have i done to you that makes you think i deserve such treatment? If you can't love me at least treat me like a woman. 

I truly hope one day you will feel what i felt now and when the time come you will remember me. I hope we never cross path. Thank you for everything, for the lesson and memories. I will walk away now and i dont think think i will turn back now. I'm sure you will be glad i did what i should have done months ago. 

I hope i find peace... without you. 

Cause I have feelings too

Have you been in a relationship that is oh so sweet and dreamy? Have you? You feel like you were floating up in the air because how he made you feel. I'm sure you have. That feeling. It's been more than 10 years somebody able to make me feel that way. Then he came along, swept me off my feet. He don't do much. He just do one thing. He showed me he cared. Well with lots of sense of humor of course. He was not that good looking but he's not that ugly too. He have this sweet face that when you look, you feel... happy. I was so happy, content and alive.

I made one mistake. A huge one. I gave my heart to him. I let my guard down and gave my heart to him when I know i shouldn't have. So i discovered one lies, heartbreaking shattering lie. He's married. Yes, he is. He is married. I felt...betrayed. Heartbroken, i fall into pieces. I tried not to be alone most of the time. I tried to keep my mind occupied but he's there and he still is.

I notice the changes. We don't talk anymore, he give excuses that he was busy with work. I am working but no one is so busy that they don't have time at all. He was not busy but he just don't have the time for me. We don't communicate. There's no more phone call no more good night messages. All the things he used to do. There's none. If you were in my place wouldn't you want to know? I digged and digged. I know the truth is right in front of me. I am obviously never his priorities. I am just a sidechick. The one that he put on the side and play with whenever he wants to, I keep asking myself why am I being so stupid that I don't see this coming? Why do I have to give my heart to someone that doesn't deserve me? I wish one day he read this and realized how he broke me. How he make me suffer. And I hope he know how to actually appreciate someone that is always there for him.

I am writing this because I want to remember if ever one day i find someone let this be a lesson. If I don't let this be a reminder to someone else. Keep your guard up all the time. Do not give your heart to anyone. Keep it safely with you. Give a piece but not all. If it broke, it will not hurt this bad. I am hurt. I still am. But I know eventually this would go away. The scars will always there but at least it won't be as painful.

Not a review - Deadpool

Oh someone been quoting this Wham! Song to me over and over again. One day i just got to ask are u trying to tell me something? And he told me  and i quote 'its that last scene from deadpool. One day you'll understand' something happened and we decide we will go separate way.

Well, let's not get into details why it isn't working. Sometimes things just not working well even after 6 months. So yes. I decided today I'm gonna find out. What is it with that song and deadpool. So for the 2nd time in 35 years of my life. I went to watch movie... alone. Oh i kinda like it this time though. Not too bad. Well for anyone who never tried it. U SHUD (see how i stress that out) try. At least once. Maybe, being 35 i have accept the fact that I might going to be alone spinster haha! Harsh but true. Oh well...

Ok so i watched it. Deadpool. Nice. Very nice. Ryan Reynolds yes. Body to ehmmm... die for. Well maybe not die but just faint a little. Well maybe not faint maybe 3 days coma. Oh whatever. Well so i watched it and kinda get it. Well, i kinda understand now. Maybe too late. Maybe ours its just not quite there yet so that's why it ended just like that.

What i felt? I'd be lying if i said i don't feel anything. I'd be lying if i said i don't miss him but I'm not a fool. I decided it was a nice song. Another songs i have to put in my list since you have given me few songs. Another songs that will make my heart shudder everytime i listen to it. Well maybe shudder now but i will be ok. 6 months living with your presence it won't be too hard to let go right?

Everyone could survive heartbreak and i will too. So yes. I wish we had that Wham! Careless whisper moment but i guess it will never happened. At this point of time while I'm jotting this i still do miss you. I am. But it's ok i will be better. Things will get better. This is just a heartbroken me ranting.

So now who's gonna dance with me?

This is how the story went...

What is the worst thing than getting your heartbroken? It can be from many reasons. Main reason, you fall for someone and realize he’s not the right one. Or maybe you not the right one for him. You wanted to be one although you keep telling yourself this will never workout. You don’t share the same feeling.
Let me tell you about my story, my last relationship was in 2003. Yes, 12 years ago. It is not the greatest relationship. We have known each other since I was 11 and when we met again I thought well the feeling still there so we decided to be an item. The relationship lasted for 3 years. I decided to leave when I don’t see the point of staying. He has taken me for granted and sometimes I think he's putting up with me because I’m the only source of income he got. I was afraid. I was worried. What if I’m going to be alone forever? What if I can’t find anyone else after him? But I took the leap. I jumped. And yes, I’m a happier person. Alhamdulillah.
From that moment. I never think I need anyone. I never think it was a big deal. For me, it’s the right time for me to be independent and there’s nothing wrong to be single. So I did. But it gets to me after 12 years. I need someone. Just someone from different circle of friends to talk just someone different. And I met you.
You don’t swept me off my feet. Yes, the fact that we came from a different circle of life and the fact that I never think I’m going to be associated with you in anyway that makes it more interesting. You are from the part of the world I know exist but not part of the world I know. You have make impossible things to be possible. It’s all started from a simple HI. From nobody to somebody and to somebody I once knew maybe? I don’t like to be pushed or to talk about something I’m not comfortable with. I’m a reservereserve person although I just don’t look like one. Complicated I know. Been single way too long. I thought it will be hard to let someone in. But you make it easier.
Like I said, I don’t let people in easily but with you everything become easy. I don’t hope for anything in this relationship. Believe me when you told me you was taken I never think that we will be more than friend. But at that point, there’s a slight hurt. Not because I have feeling for you but the fact that I have known you and the fact that I am angry with myself that I can’t walkaway although I know I should have. I know now if only I have the courage to do it earlier I will not be as miserable as this. I still can’t figure out this feeling. I don’t know if I am falling for you or is it just because I have no one else that treat me the way you do. Right now you are the closest person that I turn to and the one occupying my mind. You don’t do wonder you just make sure you always there 7 days a week or at least 5 days a week.
I’m so used to have you for the past 3 months I am not sure how to do it without you after 6 months. I know I can because I used to it for the past 12 years but I’m sure it will be difficult. Yes, this is my story currently. I will not go into details now as I don’t see the need. I’m sure it’s not only me having to face the same situation and for some, they will think what’s the big deal? It’s only 3 months. For them, there are some people who’s married after knowing each other for a week. Everything is possible if god's willing. It is not the greatest story, but it is my story. So what with other people judgement? I know I should not get involve when I know he’s taken but god have a plan for me and this is in his plan.
For you, I know we destined to meet for a reason although I’m still not sure what is the reason but before everything comes to an end do know that I never blame you nor angry with you. I am happy that our path crossed. You have make me miserably happy and thank you for that. Thank you for the morning text, for the time we spent and for all the things you done. You did well and I am forever grateful. I hope you find happiness in everything you do. I hope she makes you happy so you forget the
world when you are with her. I know we might not see each other when the time come but I want you to read this and know that you will always be in my prayer. I will never hate you. Not even a tiniest bit.
This is my story thus far... my 2015 will end with this story and I will start new chapter of my life in 2016 to love myself even more.

Minnesota....where dreams do come true errr at least for me!

So 14/8/2015 @ 2330 I was supposed to be on 13 hours MAS flight to Heathrow airport however due to break issues, our flight delayed for 2 hours. When we were ready for boarding, i thought our problems end there. Too soon to hope, just too soon. So having just an an hour window time to catch our connecting flight to Chicago I knew we unable to make it once i boarded the airport bus. Keep calm and walk straight, Ezany. The airport security was just to slow even we used express lane. Fine they need to check every damn things and yes my auntie brought along her anchovies sambal. Well, we are Malaysian and we always worried we will not have enough food. Typical yes I know. But that sambal was a life saver, so don't belittle the sambal. Thank you Mak Teh!

So we wait till our flight

Sabar Mak Teh dont sleep yet

This is not MAS. This is American Airlines. MAS really need to upgrade their video quality and also the movies

I have no qualms on the food, the experience or even the crews but MAS seriously? Your movies or series choices? I rather look outside the window. The movies so bluergh! Well, i still love flying MAS though.

So we missed our connecting, they manage to book us on another flight to Dallas instead. Everything went smoothly in Dallas. 8 hours flight from London to Dallas. I still wonder how i manage it so well. The worst is yet to come.

Finally!

It is blur but it is Minnesota!

Oh how excited to see Mike's and Joel's happy faces. We forgot how long the flight was and how tired we were. I can't sleep on the plane. Next time business class maybe? haha! I wished I have the picture of both of them waiting for us at the baggage collection area but too excited to take out the camera. Oh, btw my bag was on its way to Chicago when I landed safely in Minnesota. Why?!!?
And 2 days without clothes is not funny at all. Thanks Jennifer the neighbour, I now have 2 new tshirts and pants. Fit me just nicely.

We have turkey burgers as our first dinner in Minnesota. Not in pic. But this tomato is just marvelous and on top of Mike's & Joel's roof.

So we spend our day at home since we need to get use to the changing of time zones plus the jetlag come later when we slept. They surely have beautiful garden and ah-mazing house. My room light decided to die now so till later i shall update soon but please dont hold your breath.

Meantime, enjoy Mike's & Joel's home before i upload more of Minnesota & St. Paul

Post Sunday syndrome & Minnesota intro

I am neither heartbroken nor that I am sad but I have listen to this song for 9 times and it is still repeating until now. I don't know why and don't ask why. It's just one of those days, that you suddenly remember this one particular song and you wanted to listen to this song until your ears bleed and maybe your neighbours as well. Yes, today is one of those days.

I remember start to listen to Toni Braxton since I was form 5 and i adored her, still am but i think those days her songs were totally the best! i listened to it everyday. Yes, everyday and i know all the songs and i still listen to it now. Even have her songs on Spotify.

August... been one awesome month. Just awesome. I am looking forward for 14th August since we start planning in March. 14 days of being away from work in just heavenly just what i need after all the things happening to me. To heal my broken soul. my injured wings.

Yes! I went to Minnesota. I love it there...it is so serene and peaceful. I am actually feel relaxed and indeed happy. Doesn't feel like going home at all!

Thanks Mike & Joel for the ticket. They are my uncles and yes they paid for my trip and yes I am forever grateful. Not in a million years i think i could set my foot there. Never! But now I can proudly says I did!! Put aside the currency rate are like s**t and i have to actually convert every single things i want to buy to see whether the price is the same with Malaysia or not. No i don't buy anything just few chocs.

Oh i definitely will come back even the flight is more than 27 hours. I will still come back. Even it is long and tiring. I will still go in a blink. Knowing you have a family there just awesome! i have a cool uncles! It took me at least a week to actually recovered from my post vacation syndrome because it's just hard to realize your reality is actually sucks from your dream.

I will try slowly write down all the places we went in Minnesota but please don't hold your breath i might not do it too soon or maybe not at all. huhu! I love you. Minnesota!

A week ago...i feel bored and while trying to find something to do i actually tried using wechat discover. I chatted with some guys and i found it rather interesting. Most of them only lasted for a day. Well blame it on me, chatting is not my forte and it turns me off to talk about shit stuff or rather boring if you can't find any similarity to chat.

First, i found out that i am kinda old to use this things haha! Second, you might end up with psychopath or maybe criminals. Third, you might just found a decent, fun & pleasant people to talk to. It is interesting to make friends with someone outside of your circle and it is not wrong for once in a while to go out of your comfort zone to try something new. I will not do the things i did for the past two weeks, I will not go to strangers and talked to them which i actually did. i guess the new me will.

I guessed USA makes me a whole new person and i have no regret...

Broken Inside

Have you ever been secretly in love with someone? Like deeply crazily in love with someone. You trying to tell that person your feeling but you just can’t. It just… stops. You just…can’t. So you trying to find a way to show it but you guess your way is not enough. That person just doesn’t realize it. Or maybe he does but he just doesn’t like you the way you did. So you keep on wondering or maybe dreaming how was it like to be an item? How was it like to build a life together? And your mind filled with all the beautiful dreams you created. You wish and pray that one day he will see you the way you see him and your entire dream will finally do come true. But it is true when they said ‘you don’t always get what you want’.

Well, I know because it has been me. There’s so much hurt and pain I have to endure. But the heart wants what the heart want. I know he is out of my reach and I know deep down inside me we will never meant to be but I am just so stubborn and let myself hurt in the process. There’s a lot of reminders, red flags, advice you name it but I just want to listen what I want to listen which is a glimpse of hope that I might have a chance. I cried for him but why? He don’t even know I am secretly in love with him. He was just being nice to me because I am his friend. And yes, I know. I know all along but I am just too stubborn to admit. 3 years to keep this feeling to myself was just too long. It eaten me inside and god answer my prayer… the feeling slowly went away. I know I am blessed.

Today, I’m writing this as a reminder to myself not to go there again. Not to have the similar feeling again. And if I did in any form I should just not go through with it. I should let it dissolve. I should just let it disappear. It has given nothing but pain. Yes, partly is my mistake because I am not that kind of person to easily discuss or express my feeling especially when it comes to the heart matters. I know I may not win and I know I could not face rejection so why try? I just hope I will never have to face the same feeling again and if I did I hope I have the courage to say it outloud without getting hurt. Well, one can just hope! 

Let me be...me

I have to admit I am not good at keeping promise to myself. I thought I'm going to write more last year but the fact is I wrote even less. One post a year??!!! This is hilarious! So this might be one and only post this year. Hahaha!
I am still the same, still single but luckily not alone. Pretty much same where I left off. Happy and now happier. I still been asked with the same question and I hope one day I could give different answer but if you ask me at this moment, this exact second... I will definitely give you the same old answer.

Well no, I am not seeing anyone and yes I am still feel I am blessed to been living this life. We could never have everything we want in life. Well, if you have then you must be the luckiest person ever! One day, it will come sooner or later but I think it is not me who worried the most. It is mostly others around me. What's with the question that they already know the answer. I wish I could predict the future and tell them I will be married maybe just maybe when I turned 60? Or maybe this year? I wish i could tell them but if I could predict the future maybe I won't be here today?

What if we could predict the future? Wouldn't it be great to know everything about your future. Wouldn't it? Do you ever think if you know about your future would you be living the same way you live now or you would live it differently. I will be lying if I say I will be living the same way I'm living now. Total lies. I will definitely live it better. How I wish we could correct every mistakes or undo all the mistakes we did.

I don't say I regret the life I'm living now. Not even a bit but it is no harm to makes it a better life. This is 2015, I am getting older and I know for the past years I might hurt others and others might hurt me. I wish this year I'll be a better person, better muslim, better daughter, better friends and being better in everyway. I will not wish for something I could not achieve and I know I tend to do things halfway but I will try this year to be a better me.

I believe before we could accept someone in our life, we need to accept ourselves. The way we see ourselves it is how people see us. So let me know mys
elf, love myself enough before I could love other people. So, please let me just be....ME...

Miserable Me...

I tried to keep my words. I tried to write as much as I can but I guess there's one of the many things I couldn't do consistently. I have updated this miserable blog last April 2013. Nearly a year  from now. Well not a year but it's nearly a year. if I need to make a living by writing, I'm sure by now I am living in a box (only if the box could fit me) 

Apart from the whining, grumbling and complaining, at least this year I did start with something new. Alhamdulillah, god grant my wish. I got a new job at this place i have been eyeing for so long. I am so thankful at least i got to learn something new and hopefully more adventurous from the last job. 

Yes, another new year and I will be a year older. That's depressing. Depressing when other people around you keep asking the same questions. I just wished they don't but I knew that they care. It's depressing it makes you want to cocoon yourself or start living in a shell.  But, i learn from the past there is no use for shouting or being sarcastic. They will never stop asking and best is don't bother. Answer when you want to answer and don't when you don't feel the need to. Again, yes I am still single and not married and well if you do know someone i might be interested or vice versa do fill up the form. As my previuos post, i believe when the time comes god will eventually send someone in my way. I know he is out there somewhere probably still waiting for the right time. that's my answer. 

I know I suppose to take my license last year, but plan changed. With my dad condition, i plan to finish it by this year. seriuosly, wish me tons of luck. I need that so much. Me and car... i never thought i need to do this. But, it seems the right thing to do now. If not for me then it's for my dad. At least. 

Have you ever feel like you like someone but then you just realize it's not going to work out. So you just push it away? But you can't seem quite get over it? I think I did feel it but I know we are not heading the same path so I just stopped. It's difficult and frankly, I still can't get over it now but I know I must. He is just not my Mr. Right. Maybe he is just not destined for me. 

i have so much to write, it get jumble up in my head and i can't seem to get it out... so i think i better stop writing now and i'll make sure to write again when everything seems clear. Till then...I wish we will have a great year and a blessful one! 

Love...

Cambodia oh Cambodia... Siem Reap

Exotic snacks anyone? Extra crispy? 

 Please do not blame me, please understand I am indeed not a lazy person but sometimes my activities and those little voices in my brain makes me one. So this post supposed have been pending for so many months and I bet if you are going to Cambodia trip when you are reading my first post, you might already came back and wrote your own post about it. I'm such a hopeless person...I admit.

Since this is delayed post, let cut the story short. So journey from Phnom Penh to Siem Reap took almost 5 to 6 hours. Mind you, if you think the journey for 6 hours like driving in a Malaysian highway. You are definitely, totally, absolutely wrong! This is the most tiring bumpy road I have taken so far. Yes, my butt hurt and for few hours I can't sit properly. Maybe I have a weak ass but whatever... although the journey is tiring but this is the best way to see Cambodia up close.

Pho bo- our breakfast before starting our journey. This is hands down the best beef noodles ever! Do try. now  I missed  it already... -__-

Scenery on the way to Siem Reap...

So how's my morning face? ahaks!

Halfway there... look at the condition of the road. This will be the road for  at least an hour during the journey. This explain the a**pain

The kids will help their family before going to school later in the evening

The kids were so excited seeing us snapping their pics.

This is what crazy tourist do...

We stop in god knows where and start snapping pictures...

Crazy tourist favourite pastime. 

Yes.... we love the paddy fields. So green and beautiful.

Cambodia economy largely depends on agriculture therefore you could see throughout the journey the untouched land or village. The view some is breathtakingly beautiful, some are just...errr dusty? 

after long hours drive...this is the RnR. Mind you, unlike Malaysia this RnR close at 6.30pm

Buying some fruits... the pineapple here is awesome. Well, i know  maybe some have doubt on the hygiene but  we ate and nothing goes wrong. Alhamdulillah...

Errrr...ustaz, I forgot the fruit name. anyone knows? This is sour fruit. not so nice tho'

After the stop, all the way to Siem Reap non-stop. Arrgghh...tiring body, stiff neck and Maher Zain cd all the way. Oh, I do love Maher Zain but the idea of listening to him for 6 hours? Well you decide your answer. I know mine... 

oh, yes... this happy faces means we're here in Siem Reap and no Maher Zain already maybe? 

We checked in at Ta Prohm hotel in Siem Reap. A nice hotel. Seriously recommended. Please read here  and you will know. I don't have to write an essay to describe.

I wanted to show this room. It is super comfy after that 6 hours journey. This room looks like heaven on earth. 

I wish at that time the picture was taken, I could just sleep until the next day. 

Clean bathroom.... Love it!

No no, no...maybe you thought we will be resting for a short amount of time but no... this is just to check in, put our luggage in the room and start our next plan. First destination in Siem Reap is.... Oh it's half an hour past midnight. I need to sleep already now. Let's continue our next destination in errr... well anytime soon I guess? toodles! :)

Sneak peek? 

So where do you think my camwhore cousin taking his pics?  see you soon....hopefully huhu!